Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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