You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
