My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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