3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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