if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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