You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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