If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
