two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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