can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
