I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
