So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
