its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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