I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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