ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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