You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
