Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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