oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
