There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
