wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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