my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she told me i tasted like america
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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