your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
