I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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