Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
