Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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