I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
