Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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