trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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