I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
