it was like his penis was on wheels.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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