I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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