did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
