I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
