i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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