Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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