I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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