there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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