Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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