There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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