Me too!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
