What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
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I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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