Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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