He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
