Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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