I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
