don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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