her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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