she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
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So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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