hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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