A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
