dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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