I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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