there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
