Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
