Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
