I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
