I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
