Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
