Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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