my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
