so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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